Seven long months!

The past seven months have been a long fight.

I have to fight back the tears every day that I sit in his room.

I fight back the anger that overwhelms my mind and actions.

I have to fight back the words of retaliation. 

I fight back the doubt and wounds that words have caused.

I fight back the negativity that has invaded my thoughts and dreams!

I have had to fight for people to understand 

how it is possible that I love this little boy.

How I care if he upset.

We spent a week with him and it only took that time

to really confirm that he is my child.

How long does it truly take to fall in love?  

I have had to fight

 I fight to understand why, why,why,

WHY 

why would this be allowed to happen. 

Why do some people get all they want and others have to suffer!

Why do the innocent always teach us the toughest lessons. 

Why does it take us so long to learn.

Why is it hard to love and let go.

WHY....

I have been fighting and it seems that it is in vain.

All of it!

I see with my eyes and I see nothing changing.
  Even so, I will keep fighting for the under dog.
I will keep fighting for love that this world does not understand.
I will keep fighting for the peace and the understanding 
that is uncommon.
I will fight for the right to be loved.
I will fight for the right to be apart of a family.
I will keep fighting because I know that I do not fight alone.
Even when I am bloody and bruised I will fight!
Even when it looks like it is over I will not throw in the towel.
I will fight til the end!
Because I know it will be a part of the bigger picture.
I will fight for my boy Artem
as well as other orphan's because I my self was adopted.

I am so thankful for the right to have a family, love and support.
For that very reason I will fight!
So give me one more round!
I am ready! 

Words can and should turn into actions!

In my life I have generally been the cheerleader,

I tend to think positively.

I am a sucker for happy endings.

I also tend to believe that there is good in every one.

I tend to say

" hang in there, help is on the way".

"It is only a season nothing last forever!"

"Always leave your loved ones with kind words"

"He who angers you controls you."

"Every  thing happens for a reason!"

Even when I say

"I love you or care about you!"

 

It is pretty different living out these words.

It is easy to say things but to actually believe it 

and live it, is a harder task

I have learned to be careful what I ask for.

I ask for patience and I am waiting and waiting!

I want to be more loving and kind 

and I find myself with an inner conflict.

Even when I am tired and I do not feel like giving more

I try to do what is Right.

It is sometimes hard to live the words that are to 

encourage, give peace, and show affection.

It is hard but not impossible.

I know that everything does happen for a reason.

 I also know that I do not need to know why.

It is hard to live out the words that I believe .

That is why I have friends and family to remind me.

Remind me of what the little things are 

all about!

I will make sure that I am careful to be true

to what I say.

I still know that everything is going to be alright!

In the end it will be o.k.

and if it is not o.k.

then it is not the end!

I do know that it will be alright !

Birthdays a time for celebration!

 

 

 

 

 

June is here!!!

It is the sixth month of the 2013 year.

In looking back it has appeared to me that

this year has had a dual affect.

Some days and minutes it seems way too fast.

 Some days and minutes it seems to be way to slow!

It is June and summer school starts Monday.  

I am filled with bitter sweet feelings and thoughts. 

I had planned on not doing this year and taking some time off.

I planned on bonding with my son.

I had planned on many fun and exciting adventures 

for my kiddos.  

I had planned on teaching Artem about the 

awesomeness of the zoo.

I know  for a fact my Kersten and Kelsee 

would love to show him their favorite sight 

at the zoo. 

We would have fun in the swimming pool and 

eating ice cream and just enjoying the 

summer day, as it ends with the light show from the 

lightening bugs.

 

 

 

There would be a grand celebration on June the 4th.

This the day in which this earth was graced with Artem's birth.

I love birthdays!   

These days are the days in which I take some time to reflect.

I am so thankful that Artem was born.  

I am so thankful for the time we got to spend with him.

I am missing his smile and his laugh

 as he was ready to run into my arms!

I had planned on his birthday being with us as he turned 7.

I wanted to give him a birthday party

full of laughter, smiles and a family

that loves him.

I wanted him to know we are so thankful 

he was born on June 4th 2006.

I thank his mom for choosing his life over her

needs and dreams, Thank you!

I am sure that was not a easy decision,

but it was a self less decision.

It also hit me that we will not be 

with Kersten on her 18th birthday this year.

She will already be at college.

Our time with Kel Kel is also limited.

So it starts!!

I know that physically I can not be with 

my babies on the actual

day in which I was blessed with the privilege 

of being their momma, however,

My love, support and pride will be felt in their hearts!   

Even though I can not be with my kiddos, 

the space does not change how I feel about them.

It does not change how I am a better mom

because of them.

It does not change the fact that I love them.

It does not change the fact that every year after

their birth, I will remember the moment 

my life was changed becausee of them.

Happy birthday my son Artem...

Thank you for allowing me to love you!

       

     

 

Time for everything!

I know that there is a time for everything,

however it is not easy to accept 

some times!

I am writing in honor and memory of a 

cute little boy named Daria.  

Due to egos and man thinking they know better

a sweet innocent little one is gone.

He will never know what is feels like to receive a hug 

from his family because he never made it that far!

He died in his own home land.

He had a family that wanted him and was

willing to take care of him,

HOWEVER,

they did not get chance! 

My heart breaks for that family.

I am sorry for your pain and your crushed dreams.

I would beg and plead if that would work!

I would ask for compassion and sympathy

I would give all that I had to save the 

innocent ones that deserve 

a kiss, a hug, a love of a family.

Daria I know that you are in your father's hands

you are in no more pain.

You are embraced with a love that will not end

no government, no person, nothing can 

change that now!

I do know that this world was better for having you in it!

Thanks for your lessons, may we learn from them!

Getting close to the end of a chapter!

I have read many books in my life.

I started with picture books and as I grew

the books also grew.

I love to read!

I enjoy and smile with the funny parts.

I cry with the sad parts.

I can see the characters.

I like to see the conflict and the resolution unfold

as I turn the pages.

 I do not like the ending of a good book.

Sometimes I find it sad because I can 

really relate to the characters and the 

journey they are on.

I have found that my life is alot like a book.

I have enjoyed the fun and growing parts.

I have cried and mourned  during the sad ones.

I have also found some times in my life to be challenging!

As the days approach the closing of a chapter

is nearing.

I can feel the beating of my heart.

I can feel the sadness of my thoughts.

I can feel the excitement as my daughter

is getting ready to step out on her own!  

As I reflect on how the years have passed 

I am thrilled, excited, nervous and sad all at the same time.

My daughter is growing up!

She is learning who she is and what she is to do

with the skills and abilities she is given!

She has been a blessing and I am so proud and honored to be her momma.

I am so thrilled to be a momma.  I love my children.

 My wonderful daughters have taught me so much.

The joy of laughter and acting silly.

The affects of not giving up.

 I have had a hard time recently trying to explain why.

My Kersten and Kelsee have had a rough few days.

Since January it has been a hard and bumpy road.

The days are filled with emotions and uncertainty.

The days have been full of waiting and learning.

The days have been full of tears, doubting and longing.

Longing for our family to have an addition.

For the past week the girls have slept in Artem's room.

This makes me sad and a little mad.

I can just see the girls cuddling him and playing with him.

I can see him smiling and laughing as they tickle him.

I see all these things with my minds eye 

then as I gaze around the room I see the 

chalkboard in his room with these words on it

"Artem  we are ready!"  

We are ready, waiting, praying!

This chapter of my book I would like to have a happy ending.

The more I wish for the waiting to end for Artem 

the closer my Kersten gets to  spreading her wings.

Here is the one thing that I do know,

This chapter is ending soon and I know it will have a happy ending!
It will be happy for both of my children!

Dreams, what do they mean?

I have had many dreams.

 I actually  have a re-occurring dream.

A couple of them!

 One of my re-occurring dream I enjoy having.

I had a dream about a place that I have visited.
I could feel the walls.
I could smell  the food.
I could hear the noises.
I could see my boy.
I could see him running around laughing.
I could feel  his hands holding mine.




Next thing I know he is no where to be found.
I remember running around the building looking for him.
I opened door after door and I could not find him.
Next thing I remember is that I was whisper in some ones ear.
There where several of them.
One after another I whispered in their ears.
The cool thing was that the people could not see me!
After I whispered in the last person's ear
I ran down the hall way and
opened the last door and I finally  got him....

I know that I feel like Abraham  and Sarah sometimes.
This waiting period is long, emotionally exhausting and not for the faint of heart.
Then I think about what the kids must be going through!!!
They are confused, worried, wondering if they are the problem.
I wonder if they are finding it hard to face the days.
I wonder if they cry when the think of us.
I wonder if they have dreams about the future.
I know they do!
I want to tell all the kids to hang in there.
Please don't give up!
WE will not give up on you!
We love you and would move heaven and earth to get to you.
If I could I would whisper in your captive's ear,
"Allow the dreams to shape the future"
"Please let me go home to my family!"
I am singing this song with the kids!

Please God bring our children home!!!

What part of the picture do you see?

I used to be very happy when I saw his smiling face.

I would laugh when I would dream about

 what food he would like to eat.

We would wonder if he would like cars, blocks and colors.

I would dream of the day we could take him to the Zoo.

I looked forward to the day that our family

 picture would feature our newest member.

I could see Kersten looking into his brown eyes and kissing his nose.

I could see Kelsee tickling his tummy and messing up his hair.

I would look at his picture several times a day 

and I would be able to  see him with us!

He would have sang and shouted and loved

the lights and music from Winter Jam.

He could have  played with Nick and Kallie.

He could have enjoyed all the love from Aunt Julie

 and Uncle Lonnie.  

Nate could have taught him ho to play the newest

game in his ipad.

Kaylee could have taught him how to properly eat hot chicken!

Eggy could have taught him how to lie to his momma

about a house guest.

Bethany could have just listen to him  

and give him the support he needed.

Ray would have taught him the  fine art of ADD at the Mall.

  

    

Even today when we went prom dress shopping,

I thought of how much fun he would have by helping.

He would   have enjoyed the many different shops

and of course all the toys! 

When I came home I was thinking of him yet once more!   

When I looked down the hall I would 

image him running and yelling our names to come

save him.

SAVE HIM, That is what we are trying to do!

 

 

Since Dec 31st our hearts have been on the edge!

That is putting mildly.   

How do you expect us to feel when our son might not 

be able to come home to the family that loves him!

This sitting on pins and needles have really done a trick on all our hearts and souls!

Kersten is graduating soon and has a great deal

 to think about and plan for.

She came to me with tears in her eyes and

 asked when Artem was coming home?!?!?!

 

What can I tell her?

What?????

I don't know? 

 

In the middle of a hug and sobbing Kelsee

joins in and says I want my brother home.

Me too!! 

Me too I wanted to shout!!   

I have had some good days and I have had some bad days.

There has been less times of smiling and dreaming.

I get caught up in what I can not see.

 I see the big red stop sign and I yell in frustration!

I start to talk to God and asking him to explain all of this!

Lately I have not been a good daughter.

I have focused on the impossible side and said O.K.

That is until I heard this song.  

It is about Abraham and Sarah.

 I have felt like them lately.  I know what I am promised.

Artem is ours!

Now and in the coming days of this year, 

I need to listen and apply this song to my heart!

         
I am so blessed for God to dream his dream in me!

I will believe!

I will be patient with the journey.

I will not let go of what is mine!

I will believe in what I can't see!