THAT FEELING!!

Have you ever had the empty feeling, that feeling at the pit of your being. 

That feeling that hurts when you even utter a sound.  

That feeling that echoes all the anguish that has been building up in the corners of the heart.  That feeling that turns you inside out. 

Yea that feeling!  

That feeling has made me cry out  “how unfair”!  

 That feeling has tried to control my inner being. 

That feeling has caused a battle within me and around me that was so intense that my vision was blurred and my will was fragile.  

 The memories rush and the scars hurt as I remember that battle.

As the bell rings signaling the first round, I felt confident. 

I had the power and the stamina to dart and swerve when needed.  

I ended the first round unscathed by any physical blows.  

I gave it my all!  

 I gave it my defense strategies and countered with wisdom.  

My ears then heard a familiar sound of the faint bell ringing signaling another round. 

I rushed in with all the ambition to win and with out warning I tripped over my own feet. 

I desperately tried to anchor my footing however the swift action of hurtful words from my opponent caused my knees to buckle. 

As I tried to stand up and gain some kind of composure another sneak attack pierced my left side. 

As I tried to focus my eyes to see, it finally came into focus and I saw in disbelief that I am wounded.  

The wound was open and bleeding.  

I stood up clenching my side trying not to succumb to the fierce pain invading my body.    

The bell rang again and I was not ready for another beating. 

 This did not stop the onslaught of demands and deadlines that crushed my spirit.  

I was still wounded and losing a great deal of blood .   

This left me physically, emotionally and spiritually lacking.  

This is the time I should have conceded, however, I thought I had some more to give.

 “ I can give of myself!” 

I was willing to give up some of me. 

My soul, my emotions, my passions, my being.  

I thought that was the way to win!  

“I must not give up!” 

I thought that I knew and had what was needed to win. 

 Another bell rang which signaled another round. 

My mind was confused with thoughts and my body suffering from it.  

It only took a left hook to my head for me to land on the mat in the fetal position.  

There while guarding my soul and trying to negotiate with my self about the terms of the deal. 

I   remember I have nothing more to give!  NOTHING!!! 

  Sometimes it takes until I have to scrap myself off the floor to realize that I can choose to get up and walk away.  

  I can control my being and my reactions to the battle.   

 I can also control what I learn and how that affects me! 

“Get up and walk away.”  GET UP !!! 

GET UP AND WALK AWAY THIS IS THE ANSWER TO THIS BATTLE, 

THIS IS HOW YOU WILL WIN THIS ONE!”

   As these words echoed in my heart and mind, I stood and left the battle.

 While limping , bleeding and crying out in anguish I notice my self as I was. 

I noticed that my focus was ajar! 

I had allowed MY tiredness, MY hurt, MY unwillingness and MY in ability to see affect me. 

 As I stood there seeing the truth I was ashamed.  

I heard your words.

  I felt your love. 

With those reminders I calmed down and took some time to think and pray, I remembered the lessons that you taught me.  

 I remember!   I remember that I can’t give what I do not have. 

I can’t give patience if I have none. 

I can’t give empathy if I have none.  

I can’t give love if I have none. 

I can’t give mercy if I have none.

  I can’t give understanding if I have none.  

I can’t give anything if first I do not have it!  

My body, soul and heart longed to feel those again without pain, without obligation.  

I knew what I needed to do! 

I needed to remember this feeling so I would not allow me to be at his point again. 

I need to take some time and refuel.

  I need to take some time to renew my spirit, my soul, my body.  

I need to remember it is ok to take care of me. 

Now I try not to let my being, my heart, my soul get that drained.  

I know where to go.  

I know what to do to make sure that I am taking care of.  

I know what to do to make sure I am ready to battle again. 

I know there will be times that I willing give my understanding, my patience, my love and my mercy to help someone else battling.  

  I know that there will be another fight coming soon and I will be prepared for it.  

I know there will be valuable opportunity to give what others need.  

I want to give without any regrets and feeling that I am obligated. 

  I am ready to help! I am ready to battle alongside.  I am ready are you? 

 In turn I pray that others will learn the lesson.  You will know the lesson is learned if you can apply the knowledge learned. 

If you are still feeling that hopeless feeling, that feeling that you are slowly dying from the inside out.  

Please turn to someone that you trust 

who can help you with the lessons of love, mercy, and understanding.  

Please learn how to store up and then apply those lessons.   

You need to know that you are not alone in this fight! 

I know she is mine!

I have been doing some thinking since Lucy's court date.

 I am so thankful that her name is now legally changed!

She knows who's daughter she is.

 I knew she was mine when I first laid eyes 

on her 2/1/2 years ago.

 I know that she was born to my daughter.

 Since our relationship started 

I have enjoyed the time with her.

 I have learned that she loves noodles,

 rice and all you can eat veggies.

 I have learned that she is truly a goofy girl who loves to make people laugh.   

It seems like I have always loved her. 

So when the question was asked if we would be willing to afford to Lucy all the rights and immunities of a child born to us, it caught me off guard. 

I took a moment to think and then I replied with a tearful but boisterous yes a hundred times yes. 

How can I not afford Lucy all my love and support. 

She is mine. 

I was over come with emotions as I thought about my other beauties and how deeply I love Kersten and Kelsee.

  It just makes sense to love their baby sister.

 I see the love in their eyes,

 I see happiness, 

I see the disappointment, 

I see the frustration, 

I see the willingness to grow together.

 I see it all.
I know that love can and

 does exists outside of bond of blood.

How else can I love my friends, my neighbors, my brother and sister in laws brought into the family thru marriage.

 When I look at us I see LOVE.

 I hope that everyone that looks at us sees love that is not defined by out ward appearances or inward genetics.

Who needs to change first me or you?

Why is it so hard for people to treat others the way they want to be treated? 

WHY? 

This thought has been rolling in my mind for a few months now 

and just recently hit me square in the eyes.

 My first thought is of self righteousness

" how can people be so rude, 

how can words full of acid flow out of the mouth of people,

 do they not taste the poison before it is spewed out? "

 Then my thoughts dive deeper than myself. 
When we ask this question of the "Golden Rule", 

we are operating under the misconception that all people have the same perceptions.

 We believe that all people are under the same belief system, 

raised in the same loving environment,

 the same reality,

 the same mindfulness, however, that is not the truth.
Some of us have been victims of abuse in many unspeakable acts. 

Some of us grew up listening to flowery words of praise.

 Some of us were raised with loved ones 

whom themselves displayed patience, perseverance, forgiveness and acceptance. 

Some of us were forced to grow up and fill the adult role in the family.

 Some of us had to work for everything, 

some of us hear the word no more than others. 

Some of us were raised without tolerance

 to anything or anyone that is different than one's self. 

However, with in time and conditioning we have believed and acted on those mindsets.
Since I am aware that not everybody is ME

 there should be some inner reflection on my actions first. 

Second I try to understand where the other person was, is, and is going. 

The way people treat each others reflect what they feel about themselves.

 I use to hate this saying! 

With in time it has proven to be true more times than I can count.
I personally use to undercut, shame and make fun of others because they did not agree with my thoughts and ways.

 I spoke many hateful things and acted and reacted like a punk. 

I hated the way I looked,

 how I acted,

 how I was not perfect. 

I hated that I was not smart enough, 

mix all of these with a big helping of shame and guilt you have a pretty ugly person.
 I was a fortunate soul that had some amazing people who saw the signs and cared enough to help me end a very disruptive behavior. 

I can look back and see how I treated people was a direct link to how I thought I deserved to be treated.

 I thought I did not deserve grace, mercy, love and forgiveness.
So when I hear others speak 

with the same negative tones I think, 

"I want to help them see the truth,

 I want them to see their own worth."

 Some where along the path they were lied to, deceived and re programed. 

This very act makes me sick to my stomach. 

No one wins when this cycle is allowed to continue. 

Please take the time to wake up out of your comma 

and help make that connection to someone.

 It only takes one person who understands the value of a human soul to help mend and shed some needed light on the darkness.

 I want everyone to see and know how valued they truly are, that starts with the inner you!