Have you ever had the empty feeling, that feeling at the pit of your being.
That feeling that hurts when you even utter a sound.
That feeling that echoes all the anguish that has been building up in the corners of the heart. That feeling that turns you inside out.
Yea that feeling!
That feeling has made me cry out “how unfair”!
That feeling has tried to control my inner being.
That feeling has caused a battle within me and around me that was so intense that my vision was blurred and my will was fragile.
The memories rush and the scars hurt as I remember that battle.
As the bell rings signaling the first round, I felt confident.
I had the power and the stamina to dart and swerve when needed.
I ended the first round unscathed by any physical blows.
I gave it my all!
I gave it my defense strategies and countered with wisdom.
My ears then heard a familiar sound of the faint bell ringing signaling another round.
I rushed in with all the ambition to win and with out warning I tripped over my own feet.
I desperately tried to anchor my footing however the swift action of hurtful words from my opponent caused my knees to buckle.
As I tried to stand up and gain some kind of composure another sneak attack pierced my left side.
As I tried to focus my eyes to see, it finally came into focus and I saw in disbelief that I am wounded.
The wound was open and bleeding.
I stood up clenching my side trying not to succumb to the fierce pain invading my body.
The bell rang again and I was not ready for another beating.
This did not stop the onslaught of demands and deadlines that crushed my spirit.
I was still wounded and losing a great deal of blood .
This left me physically, emotionally and spiritually lacking.
This is the time I should have conceded, however, I thought I had some more to give.
“ I can give of myself!”
I was willing to give up some of me.
My soul, my emotions, my passions, my being.
I thought that was the way to win!
“I must not give up!”
I thought that I knew and had what was needed to win.
Another bell rang which signaled another round.
My mind was confused with thoughts and my body suffering from it.
It only took a left hook to my head for me to land on the mat in the fetal position.
There while guarding my soul and trying to negotiate with my self about the terms of the deal.
I remember I have nothing more to give! NOTHING!!!
Sometimes it takes until I have to scrap myself off the floor to realize that I can choose to get up and walk away.
I can control my being and my reactions to the battle.
I can also control what I learn and how that affects me!
“Get up and walk away.” GET UP !!!
GET UP AND WALK AWAY THIS IS THE ANSWER TO THIS BATTLE,
THIS IS HOW YOU WILL WIN THIS ONE!”
As these words echoed in my heart and mind, I stood and left the battle.
While limping , bleeding and crying out in anguish I notice my self as I was.
I noticed that my focus was ajar!
I had allowed MY tiredness, MY hurt, MY unwillingness and MY in ability to see affect me.
As I stood there seeing the truth I was ashamed.
I heard your words.
I felt your love.
With those reminders I calmed down and took some time to think and pray, I remembered the lessons that you taught me.
I remember! I remember that I can’t give what I do not have.
I can’t give patience if I have none.
I can’t give empathy if I have none.
I can’t give love if I have none.
I can’t give mercy if I have none.
I can’t give understanding if I have none.
I can’t give anything if first I do not have it!
My body, soul and heart longed to feel those again without pain, without obligation.
I knew what I needed to do!
I needed to remember this feeling so I would not allow me to be at his point again.
I need to take some time and refuel.
I need to take some time to renew my spirit, my soul, my body.
I need to remember it is ok to take care of me.
Now I try not to let my being, my heart, my soul get that drained.
I know where to go.
I know what to do to make sure that I am taking care of.
I know what to do to make sure I am ready to battle again.
I know there will be times that I willing give my understanding, my patience, my love and my mercy to help someone else battling.
I know that there will be another fight coming soon and I will be prepared for it.
I know there will be valuable opportunity to give what others need.
I want to give without any regrets and feeling that I am obligated.
I am ready to help! I am ready to battle alongside. I am ready are you?
In turn I pray that others will learn the lesson. You will know the lesson is learned if you can apply the knowledge learned.
If you are still feeling that hopeless feeling, that feeling that you are slowly dying from the inside out.
Please turn to someone that you trust
who can help you with the lessons of love, mercy, and understanding.
Please learn how to store up and then apply those lessons.
You need to know that you are not alone in this fight!