Friday, April 14, 2017

THAT FEELING!!



Have you ever had the empty feeling, that feeling at the pit of your being. 
That feeling that hurts when you even utter a sound.  
That feeling that echoes all the anguish that has been building up in the corners of the heart.  That feeling that turns you inside out. 
Yea that feeling!  
That feeling has made me cry out  “how unfair”!  
 That feeling has tried to control my inner being. 
That feeling has caused a battle within me and around me that was so intense that my vision was blurred and my will was fragile.  
 The memories rush and the scars hurt as I remember that battle.

As the bell rings signaling the first round, I felt confident. 
I had the power and the stamina to dart and swerve when needed.  
I ended the first round unscathed by any physical blows.  
I gave it my all!  
 I gave it my defense strategies and countered with wisdom.  
My ears then heard a familiar sound of the faint bell ringing signaling another round. 
I rushed in with all the ambition to win and with out warning I tripped over my own feet. 
I desperately tried to anchor my footing however the swift action of hurtful words from my opponent caused my knees to buckle. 
As I tried to stand up and gain some kind of composure another sneak attack pierced my left side. 
As I tried to focus my eyes to see, it finally came into focus and I saw in disbelief that I am wounded.  
The wound was open and bleeding.  
I stood up clenching my side trying not to succumb to the fierce pain invading my body.    
The bell rang again and I was not ready for another beating. 
 This did not stop the onslaught of demands and deadlines that crushed my spirit.  
I was still wounded and losing a great deal of blood .   
This left me physically, emotionally and spiritually lacking.  
This is the time I should have conceded, however, I thought I had some more to give.
 “ I can give of myself!” 
I was willing to give up some of me. 
My soul, my emotions, my passions, my being.  
I thought that was the way to win!  
“I must not give up!” 
I thought that I knew and had what was needed to win. 
 Another bell rang which signaled another round. 
My mind was confused with thoughts and my body suffering from it.  
It only took a left hook to my head for me to land on the mat in the fetal position.  
There while guarding my soul and trying to negotiate with my self about the terms of the deal. 
I   remember I have nothing more to give!  NOTHING!!! 
  Sometimes it takes until I have to scrap myself off the floor to realize that I can choose to get up and walk away.  
  I can control my being and my reactions to the battle.   
 I can also control what I learn and how that affects me! 
“Get up and walk away.”  GET UP !!! 
GET UP AND WALK AWAY THIS IS THE ANSWER TO THIS BATTLE, 
THIS IS HOW YOU WILL WIN THIS ONE!
   As these words echoed in my heart and mind, I stood and left the battle.

 While limping , bleeding and crying out in anguish I notice my self as I was. 
I noticed that my focus was ajar! 
I had allowed MY tiredness, MY hurt, MY unwillingness and MY in ability to see affect me. 
 As I stood there seeing the truth I was ashamed.  
I heard your words.
  I felt your love. 
With those reminders I calmed down and took some time to think and pray, I remembered the lessons that you taught me.  
 I remember!   I remember that I can’t give what I do not have. 
I can’t give patience if I have none. 
I can’t give empathy if I have none.  
I can’t give love if I have none. 
I can’t give mercy if I have none.
  I can’t give understanding if I have none.  
I can’t give anything if first I do not have it!  
My body, soul and heart longed to feel those again without pain, without obligation.  
I knew what I needed to do! 
I needed to remember this feeling so I would not allow me to be at his point again. 
I need to take some time and refuel.
  I need to take some time to renew my spirit, my soul, my body.  
I need to remember it is ok to take care of me. 

Now I try not to let my being, my heart, my soul get that drained.  
I know where to go.  
I know what to do to make sure that I am taking care of.  
I know what to do to make sure I am ready to battle again. 
I know there will be times that I willing give my understanding, my patience, my love and my mercy to help someone else battling.  
  I know that there will be another fight coming soon and I will be prepared for it.  
I know there will be valuable opportunity to give what others need.  
I want to give without any regrets and feeling that I am obligated. 
  I am ready to help! I am ready to battle alongside.  I am ready are you? 

 In turn I pray that others will learn the lesson.  You will know the lesson is learned if you can apply the knowledge learned. 


If you are still feeling that hopeless feeling, that feeling that you are slowly dying from the inside out.  
Please turn to someone that you trust 
who can help you with the lessons of love, mercy, and understanding.  
Please learn how to store up and then apply those lessons.   
You need to know that you are not alone in this fight! 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

I know she is mine!



I have been doing some thinking since Lucy's court date.
 I am so thankful that her name is now legally changed!
She knows who's daughter she is.
 I knew she was mine when I first laid eyes 
on her 2/1/2 years ago.
 I know that she was born to my daughter.
 Since our relationship started 
I have enjoyed the time with her.
 I have learned that she loves noodles,
 rice and all you can eat veggies.
 I have learned that she is truly a goofy girl who loves to make people laugh.   
It seems like I have always loved her. 
So when the question was asked if we would be willing to afford to Lucy all the rights and immunities of a child born to us, it caught me off guard. 
I took a moment to think and then I replied with a tearful but boisterous yes a hundred times yes. 
How can I not afford Lucy all my love and support. 
She is mine. 
I was over come with emotions as I thought about my other beauties and how deeply I love Kersten and Kelsee.
  It just makes sense to love their baby sister.
 I see the love in their eyes,
 I see happiness, 
I see the disappointment, 
I see the frustration, 
I see the willingness to grow together.
 I see it all.
I know that love can and
 does exists outside of bond of blood.
How else can I love my friends, my neighbors, my brother and sister in laws brought into the family thru marriage.
 When I look at us I see LOVE.
 I hope that everyone that looks at us sees love that is not defined by out ward appearances or inward genetics.




Saturday, January 14, 2017

Who needs to change first me or you?

Why is it so hard for people to treat others the way they want to be treated? 
WHY? 
This thought has been rolling in my mind for a few months now 
and just recently hit me square in the eyes.
 My first thought is of self righteousness
" how can people be so rude, 
how can words full of acid flow out of the mouth of people,
 do they not taste the poison before it is spewed out? "

 Then my thoughts dive deeper than myself. 
When we ask this question of the "Golden Rule"
we are operating under the misconception that all people have the same perceptions.
 We believe that all people are under the same belief system, 
raised in the same loving environment,
 the same reality,
 the same mindfulness, however, that is not the truth.
Some of us have been victims of abuse in many unspeakable acts. 
Some of us grew up listening to flowery words of praise.
 Some of us were raised with loved ones 
whom themselves displayed patience, perseverance, forgiveness and acceptance. 
Some of us were forced to grow up and fill the adult role in the family.
 Some of us had to work for everything, 
some of us hear the word no more than others. 
Some of us were raised without tolerance
 to anything or anyone that is different than one's self. 

However, with in time and conditioning we have believed and acted on those mindsets.
Since I am aware that not everybody is ME
 there should be some inner reflection on my actions first. 
Second I try to understand where the other person was, is, and is going. 
The way people treat each others reflect what they feel about themselves.
 I use to hate this saying! 
With in time it has proven to be true more times than I can count.
I personally use to undercut, shame and make fun of others because they did not agree with my thoughts and ways.
 I spoke many hateful things and acted and reacted like a punk. 
I hated the way I looked,
 how I acted,
 how I was not perfect. 
I hated that I was not smart enough, 
mix all of these with a big helping of shame and guilt you have a pretty ugly person.
 I was a fortunate soul that had some amazing people who saw the signs and cared enough to help me end a very disruptive behavior. 
I can look back and see how I treated people was a direct link to how I thought I deserved to be treated.
 I thought I did not deserve grace, mercy, love and forgiveness.
So when I hear others speak 
with the same negative tones I think, 
"I want to help them see the truth,
 I want them to see their own worth."
 Some where along the path they were lied to, deceived and re programed. 
This very act makes me sick to my stomach. 
No one wins when this cycle is allowed to continue. 
Please take the time to wake up out of your comma 
and help make that connection to someone.
 It only takes one person who understands the value of a human soul to help mend and shed some needed light on the darkness.
 I want everyone to see and know how valued they truly are, that starts with the inner you!

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Balance not for the faint of heart! Do you have it???

I have learned that the consistent
abuse of ones rights 
lead to a false sense of self entitlement.

This entitlement leads to
a road that is full of 
jealousy  and bitterness.  
These feelings are projected on others.
They also produce self loathing
which is a breeding ground for 
other selfish behaviors.

These selfish feelings 
then push the person into
making some very destructive decisions.

Finally these decisions will 
cloud the mind, heart and ones soul.
Until all one sees is his/ her own rights 
 and no one else's.
Until all one sees is the movement 
or cause that is heading the 
march of ones rights.  
This is done with no regard to 
the affect on others. 



RIGHT------
The defintion for a right as a noun
.....a moral or legal entitlement to have or obtain something or to act in a certain way.
"she had every right to be angry"
synonyms:entitlementprerogativeprivilegeadvantageduebirthrightliberty
"you have the right to say no ( goggle)


 As a human and a citizen of 
this earth, I have certain rights.
I am aware that I may have some more
rights than others outside of the United States.  
 I also know that with my rights come
responsibilities as well.







RESPONSIBILITIES---
The definition of responsibility as a noun--------
a moral obligation to behave correctly toward or in respect of.
"individuals have a responsibility to control personal behavior"
synonyms:trustworthiness, common sensesensematurity, reliability, dependability
"let's show some social responsibility"(goggle)

I know that I may have rights
 however, carrying out those rights to the extreme 
 is not in my best interest.

I have the right to eat and  to drink anything I want.
I can choose to take any drug I want to my body.
With my continual misuse of my rights 
I could end up  dead or causing 
harm to innocent by standers.
I can also use my rights
to push my own agenda and cause.  

I need to remember that 
with my rights there is also 
some responsibilities. 
I need to remember that 
my decisions affect others  
rights and responsibilities as well.

I need to remember that 
my rights do not trump 
others rights.  





BALANCE----
offset or compare the value of (one thing) with another.
"the cost of obtaining such information needs to be balanced against its benefits"
synonyms:weigh, weigh up, compareevaluateconsiderassessappraisejudge
"you need to balance cost against benefit"

YOU NEED TO BALANCE COST AGAINST BENEFIT

What is the cost of my rights???
Is it worth the broken heart of another?
Is it worth the reputation of another?
Is it worth the pushing my agenda?
Is it worth the negative affects?
Who said that I am worth more than any other??????

I know and I believe that we all
have rights and we all have 
responsibilities for those.
I want to be a good citizen.
 I want to make sure that 
I have balance of my rights and responsibilities!

I want to teach others to have balance.
I have thought about balance for awhile now.
I have thought about it and pondered 
why it is such a hard task to complete?

 Why?!?!?! 
Why?!?!?!




I tend to see my self lose
balance when I lose 
my love for others.
When I love my rights and responsibilities
more than others.
I lose balance when 
I choose to allow my self to  trump 
all others rights.

I need to remember that everyone's 
rights matter not just my
family members.

Every one is a soul.

Every one matters.

I believe if we all remember these facts,
IT will cut down on the misuse of 
ones rights!
I will make sure that I consider
the cost of my right and 
the benefit it brings to me and others.    
I will hope that others would 
do the same.
Look at motives, intend and thoughts
that go into our rights and responsibilities 
and most of all think of balance.  








Friday, January 29, 2016

Introducing the newest family member

Here we are!!

We are finally home and getting into a nice routine.
Lucy Wu Tian is amazing.
She makes us look good.
She has a great sense of humor.
She likes to run.
She likes to pick on her sisters.
She likes to play with her cousin Kali.
She likes to have her nana chase her.

I loved this saying at the child welfare office.
The staff there are amazing.
You should have seen their faces 
as they told us she was the 100th
child to be adopted from that region, 
this year!
We all did a happy dance right there in the office!



I do believe in love at first sight!
I loved her before I heard her say mama.
I loved her before I heard her sweet voice.
I have loved her and I will continue to love her.
I am thankful for the chance to get to love her!

Introducing my newest daughter Lucy Wu Tian.
I want to thank her bio parents for this priceless gift.
I wish I could tell them thank you.
I wish I could hug them and give them some peace
about their little baby girl.
I want them to see what she looks like now!
I want them to know she is well loved and  well valued!

This life changing choice of their's has rippled 
into our hearts and has 
created a 
longing and desire to 
be a family for this special little one!
Thank you .
To all the parents 
 who has had to make a choice
considering the future of their child,
I want you to know 
I do not judge you
with a different standard.
I look at you the same as myself.
I know that I have had to make
choices that others did not agree with.
I know that I had people question
my motives and thoughts.
I know how that feels.
I will not expect any more from you
that I do not expect from myself.
Therefore, I want you to know
how much your choice means to 
the "other parents".


I am crazy thankful for each
and every choice and consquence 
that I get the chance to grow from!

I pray that all my daughters learn this!



Thursday, November 26, 2015

Tis the Season!

I am a Christmas person!
I love the Christmas season!
I love the excitement in the eyes of the children.
I do enjoy the increased 
random acts of kindness.
I also enjoy seeing 
people be more like they should be.
I love seeing the joy and happiness.
Most of all I enjoy taking some time
out of this world and my time 
to truly remember 
that I am so loved.
That my Savior was born
in a manger.
The King came to save us
and at that very moment
crushed all preconceived
ideas and thoughts about
how this King was to rule
the world!

He was born in a manager....
He was wrapped in dirty rags...
He brought a love that was not earned.
This love was received by some 
and rejected by others.
Regardless of what we as humanity thought,
 He always had a heart for us.
He instilled this heart for the lost,
widowed, lonely and orphaned.
He showed us how to forgive and learn from it.
He showed us kindness.
He showed us mercy and grace.
He showed us his heart for servant hood.
He did not want us to be only concerned with us!
He wanted us to see the big picture that lays outside of us.






As I sit here this Thanksgiving day watching the snow fall.
I am reminded that I have neglected the season before Christmas.
Thanksgiving.
I am now made aware of the fact, I can not 
truly enjoy and understand the Christmas season
without 
a thankful heart first!

I am taking some time right now
 to 
say out loud some of the things 
that my heart is thankful for.
I am thankful for a job that I love.
I am thankful for the lives I get to interact with.
I am thankful for a warm house.
I am thankful for a car that works.
I am thankful for sight, the ability to walk,
the ability to hear.
I am thankful for a love that this world needs.
I am thankful for the forgiveness 
that many do not understand,
however, one day they will see it!

I know I have made a truck load of 
mistakes and I have hurt
many in my own selfish
ambitions!
I am thankful for the family he gave me.
The family near and far from me on this day.
Distance does not change the place
you hold in my heart. 
I am thankful that two of my children 
are with me on this day.
I am thankful that I got to 
spend some time with
my son!
I am thankful for his touch,
I will for ever be changed 
by his smile
his laughter
his big brown eyes 
where I saw love!
I will never forget that little boy.
I am thankful for you my son
Artem Malcolm Mosley.
I am thankful for the reminder
to never take time for granted.
Thank you for helping me to grow outside of myself.
I thank God for that time with him
and the time without him.  
I thank God for the chance to grow 
and learn the lessons 
of love, compassion, and empathy
that only He can give me .
I know that I would not have learned
these life changing lessons 
without the loving hand of my God.


He brought to my remembrance  one of those lessons.
I was driving with my oldest princess Kersten 
the other day.
While driving to the store 
I heard a song.
This song  helped 
me through my time of grief in 2012
when my heart broke
with the sounds of 
a slamming door.
It did not matter how hard 
I pounded on that door,
no matter how loud
I screamed,
the door was shut!
This song made me cry once more.
Not because of my bitterness, anger
or 
the thought of sadness.
I cried because God did what he promised.
He turned my pain into beauty.


I am a better person.
I am a better mother.
I am better because of HIM!

Because of my lessons 
I am thankful for the ability 
to mother to  another princess.
I am thankful for the trust
to be mother.
I am thankful that in 
12 days 
I will be able to put my
arms around you!
I will be able to hear
your laugh that 
I have only dreamed about.


This Thanksgiving 
I am so thankful
I want to make sure my life shows it!
I wanted to make sure that I 
took some time to 
truly reflect on the many
reasons 
for my heart being full this season!
I am thankful for the rain, sun,
and wind that comes with each season!

So let us be ready for the  Christmas season
by
remembering and taking part
 of the Thanksgiving season!